A Candid Step-by-Step Potty Training Survival Guide for Your Toddler

Potty training: the Everest of parenting milestones. You approach it with high hopes and a Pinterest board full of cute reward charts, but halfway through, you realize the mountain is steeper, smellier, and far more slippery than you anticipated.

Welcome to the magical world of potty training, where your toddler suddenly decides they’re too busy re-enacting Fast & Furious with their toy cars to bother with bodily functions, and you begin to wonder why you ever bought a rug in the first place.

Step 1: The "We’re Doing This!" Phase

It starts out like a New Year’s resolution. You’re full of optimism, armed with tiny underwear that’s so adorable it makes you want to cry, and you’ve spent $100 on a potty that plays music when your child successfully contributes.

Day 1 goes okay—if you ignore the fact that your toddler sat on the potty for 20 minutes, stood up, and immediately peed on the floor. “It’s fine,” you tell yourself with forced enthusiasm. “They’re learning!” Spoiler: They’re not.

Step 2: The False Sense of Progress

By Day 3, your toddler miraculously uses the potty once, and you’re convinced they’re a prodigy. You text your friends and post about it on social media: “Little Timmy went potty today! So proud!”

Of course, Timmy now thinks the potty is a game. He begins sitting on it just for fun, making you waste 47 minutes cheering him on while nothing happens. Meanwhile, your bladder is holding a protest rally because you haven’t had time to use the bathroom yourself.

Step 3: The "Too Busy to Potty" Conundrum

Somewhere around Week 2, your toddler realizes they have things to do. Important things. Like lining up crayons in order of height or screaming at the dog. When you remind them to go to the potty, they respond with a level of outrage typically reserved for canceled snack time.

You’ll hear phrases like:

• “I don’t have to go!” (They do.)

• “Not right now!” (Translation: I’m about to pee behind the couch.)

• “I’m too tired!” (But not too tired to climb on the kitchen counter and eat sugar straight from the bag.)

Step 4: The Mystery Puddle Era

You’ll step in something wet. It’s inevitable. At first, you’ll pray it’s just spilled water, but deep down, you know better. The real fun begins when you realize your toddler has started treating the house like an abstract art canvas.

“Why is there pee in the laundry basket?” you’ll ask, wondering if you accidentally adopted a cat.

Your toddler will look you dead in the eye and reply, “It’s not pee. It’s magic water.” Congratulations—you’re raising a creative genius.

Step 5: The Existential Crisis

As you scrub yet another puddle out of the carpet, you’ll begin to question everything. Why did you buy a white couch? Why did you have kids? Why does this potty-training guide from 1987 say it only takes three days?

Your search history will look like this:

• “How to potty train a stubborn toddler without losing my soul”

• “Is it okay to bribe child with an iPad for bathroom compliance”

• “Why won’t my child pee on the potty? Is it just me that’s struggling?”

Step 6: The Unexpected Win

One day, your toddler will get it. They’ll run to the potty unprompted, and you’ll hear the sweetest sound: the potty’s victory jingle. You’ll cry tears of joy, partly because you’re proud, but mostly because you don’t have to clean up pee for the fifth time today.

But don’t relax yet—your child is now addicted to flushing. You’ll walk into the bathroom to find 37 sheets of toilet paper swirling in the bowl while your toddler proudly declares, “I’m helping!”

Pro Tips for Staying Sane

• Lower Your Standards: Accept that accidents are part of the process. Embrace the chaos. No one’s judging you for putting plastic tarps over your furniture.

• Bribes Are Fine: Stickers, candy, promises of a pony—whatever works. Ethics can return when potty training is over.

• Wine Is Your Friend: A glass of wine (or three) after bedtime will remind you that this too shall pass—hopefully before college.

In the end, potty training is less about teaching your toddler and more about surviving the process without burning down your house in frustration. Sure, you’ll step in some wet spots along the way, but you’ll also step into a world where you’re not constantly carrying spare diapers. And isn’t that worth it?

...Probably.